Today was my last day in my first year at work by this company. I was on a roll today.
However, I felt exhausted in spite of the nice feeling winking at me that I had achieved something. I looked around and felt somewhat old among my colleagues. But I also felt lucky. It’s funny how we can feel so many things at the same time and yet feel senseless.
Fortunately, I have found some good friends among my colleagues who have open ears if needed. Tomorrow is Friday and then I will rest. Bring on the weekend already.
Annual reviews, anniversaries, celebrations and goal setting. People coming and going, leaving and saying goodbye. Changes.
I was wondering today, how would I be remembered if I disappeared all of a sudden, if today was my last day. Not worrying about it, just visiting this thought out of curiosity. Who would notice that I’m gone? What would they think has happened? Would my belongings mean anything to anyone?
Many say we should live our life to the fullest, as if every day would be the last one, or could be the last one. If I look at my days from this perspective, I tend to think about the good parts. The so-called achievements. Most of them are something that I thought they were. Sometimes I’m wondering if anyone else sees them that way.
Due to workplace struggles, I feel like I lost some of my inner shine lately. I’ll be gathering it again. In this amazing adventure called Life, I feel like I’m just before a big change. I don’t know exactly what I would change or when. But it feels like the stagnation before it gets speedy again.
I plan to do a thorough mental declutter over the weekend. It’s about time.
2 nights, 2 homes, 2 nephews, 1 birthday and a lot of fun. This weekend was intense and we took the best out of it. Saturday morning, I was heading to the airport in the Sun, and this morning I arrived back to Spring.
I already look forward to the next time we meet. Boomerang-visits are exhausting, but full of joy. I’m glad to have more than one home. My family is home. Maybe one day I will also feel like home for someone.
I am switching offline while on my visit home. Expect me to return on Monday. 2,5 days of travelling, family and celebrations on the way. Enjoy the weekend!
“‘Baralku’ is a mythological spirit island in the Milky Way upon which departed souls build fires to let their loved ones know they arrived safely in the afterlife. I was moved by the imagery of this concept as it relates to my life and the creative process. Music takes me to places, and each song is a spirit island on which its soul lives infinitely. To release a song is both a death and a birth at the same time. The sounds contained in each song have reached the end of their life process. The once shapeshifting collage of expression has been crystallized into a final form, no longer kinetic. Yet it exists in a state of permanent potential energy, waiting to be accessed in the form of music, just as the memory of a departed soul will always have the power to move us.” – Doug Appling (Emancipator)
I am visiting Hungary tomorrow to celebrate my nephew’s birthday. Today, I was thinking about how different it all would be, if my Granny could be with us for that. But she will be – we’ll bring her with us in our hearts.
Sometimes, when you feel down, support arrives from unexpected directions.
I am grateful for my friends. They don’t let me fall. They see me.
Some reach out, others just stay at arms reach. They care, listen and allow me to be angry or upset. They understand.
We are there for each other. After all, the World is beautiful as it is, due to human connections.
The more I think about it, the more I get to the conclusion that my problem is capitalism, actually. I have a high standard towards my own work and I prefer to dig deep, understand the full scope and thrive in executing tasks in the best possible way. But quality takes over quantity, and in a World where KPIs and SLAs rule, that’s not a lucky position.
It’s not that I don’t see the tricks and shortcuts. It’s my work ethic that stops me from playing games. I am not a politician. I am thorough, honest and persistent. Translating it to modern language: I am not easy to manage, as I don’t fit to the pre-cut frames.
Sometimes I am questioning if keeping myself to my work morals make sense. It would be easier not to care so much. To only do the least that’s expected. To not think about further complications throughout the big picture. To not have to explain my results.
But I can’t be someone else. So I work hard. I care. I get exhausted and sometimes lose my motivation temporarily. Yet with the way I work I feel like I can be proud of myself and the things I achieve. (Even if sometimes I’m the only one applauding myself.)
After all, our whole life is an illusion. Everyone has a different story and it would be naive to expect that anyone else could see my story from the same perspective I have.
I remain my own judge.
“Inner PEACE begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.” – This quote found its way to me while I was unable to work today, due to some system issues. I was practicing patience.
Life gives me more and more lessons to do that. I am learning to appreciate what I have and what is. Everything else is expectations and hopes. Smoke and mirror. We just make it up.
I am more and more fascinated by the little things. How someone can sound innocent and reserved at the same time. How honest enthusiasm can spark a glance in one’s eyes. How you can not control some of your moves. Human behaviour.
We are temporary arrangements. Never forget to appreciate that.
Soundtrack from Berlin 